A Groan of Tedium Escapes Me...

Startling the fearful,
is this a test?
It has to be....

Excerpt from a Tool song that really describes how i feel right now. I don't know why I feel this way but one thing I do know is that I need it to end and soon. I've never been so tired in so long... and i haven't even started really studying for my exams!

So this is burnout, when you work so hard you burn like a star and in the end, you consume yourself. I think tomorrow will be better, it usually is. I'm not in the depression stage at any rate...

Creative Thinking and an interesting lesson

I finally got my final creative results and.... they haven't changed one iota. I guess its to be expected. I am well aware what i say is public so i will be careful. I was inititally graded B- for my CT class and apparently, most of my classmates were graded the same. There was furor over this and the prof had to reexamine his scoring.

Of course, not all students would be graded higher - I was one of those students. I am not bitter over it but the rationale behind it sounds strange to my ears. Then again, perhaps it is something that I knew all along but never actually came to terms with and it is this.

My articulation blows. I know that my vocabulary is wide enough but my skill in its usage is way below what i would expect. I realise this when i find myself unable to communicate what i want to say in a way that someone else can easily understand. Also, i am unable to write in such a way that when someone reads it, he or she will understand.

It is no mean task to do so and i set this task before me: To do what it takes to make myself a better communicator in both written and spoken word. I am unsure how to even begin this task but suffice to say, its my new resolution and one i will keep working on if it kills me.

Atrocious articulation indeed

The worse time of year

And now I rant, most of the semester's results are in and suffice to say, i did not do well at all. I tried my very but most of the results fell short of what i was expecting. The stress of doing well is very real; losing the scholarship is very real. I forsee that if the next semester is the same, i very might well lose what I have fought so hard to retain.

I did horrifically for Econs and rightly so, i never understood the concepts from the beginning and i was never challenged by it - I was downright flummoxed.

And apparently, topics that i enjoyed i did not do as well either. Accounting was a total let down and Creative Thinking i won't even get to. I am not satisfied with the way things turned out. I don't like whiners, and i am not going to whine myself.

Least to say, my view of how things work has changed dramatically and my overall mood to it all has become very grim. A pale shadow hangs over my soul and I hear a dirge being sung, time will tell if it is my own.

Thanks for coming everyone! 

Cake with my family. All tall and skinny. Ectomorphic genes for the the win~ 

Cake with all my aunts, uncles and cousins - Well, not all of them, some of them were elsewhere at the time, but they were there i promise :p 

Cake with my ACS mates. Only 2 of them managed to make it. Curse NS and its myriad responsibilities. Thanks to both Min and Kev for making it! 

Cake with Ariel's Family. Ariel's smile looks sweet here. Anlin looks really dour though... 

Cake with my SMU orientation mates; a really fun bunch. Thanks for coming guys! 

Cake with church, lotsa people too! 

Cake with my JJC mates, excellent turnout, thanks guys for coming! 

More food~~ 

Everyone had alot of food to eat... 

Dad manned the BBQ pit for the entire night. We had everything from satay, to chicken wings, to yakitori chicken, to open fire roasted mushrooms with sea salt and black pepper. Really touched Dad managed everything.. thanks Dad! 

We catered..... alot of good ^^b 

They made everyone sign in to enter the function room; the waste of red tape. Later, my sis opened the back gate and half of us entered from there instead 

21st Birthday!

Its been awhile since i last updated my blog and quite a bit has transpired since then. For one, i celebrated my 21st birthday with a big party! I haven't posted any pictures coz i can only get them come saturday. Wait for em ^^


The birthday was one of the most touching events i ever had the honour of experiencing. My dad manned the bbq pit the entire evening; he was totally drenched in sweat but didn't stop at all. He cooked lots of great stuff like yakitori chicken and open-fire mushrooms with sea salt and black pepper. Really touched that he did that for me coz i don't usually expect Dad to do this kind of thing... It was really touching that he did and i appreciate him alot more now.


My aunts also cooked up a huge spread of food which everyone said was simply delicious. I didn't have much of an appetite sadly coz i was roving from table to table but from what everyone told me... it tasted great!


Not to leave out Ariel and her sis who helped with the decorations! We had streamers and balloons in the function room and it really added atmosphere to the whole thing. Also, Ariel helped me entertain the guests so i could breath easier as well. Thanks dearie! <3>

A spanking new Ipod Photo from my dearie. Its a really fun device; you can't go wrong when 52% of all MP3 players are Ipods can you?


I also got this swatch skin watch from Clarence and Encik Lai. IWhen i got the watch i was totally shocked man. For it was exactly what i wanted. Initially, i did not know who bought it for me but i was positive that whoever did must be a damn good listener coz that person knew 3 things about me:

• I thrashed my watch at surivor camp
• I only wear swatch skin coz i have scrawny wrists
• The face of the watch must have every number labelled big big coz otherwise i'll see 2 o clock as 3 of clock etc

This watch fulfilled all 3 criteria. What are the odds right? Apparently, Clarence is a mind reader coz he didn't know any of these things ~.~ Maybe i spend too much time with him in NS. I mean, we were the same company, same course and same branch.

I also got a ton of Kinokuniya book vouchers, its a good thing i created a reading list recently, heh heh

There's a ton of other stuff but i can't show it coz i don't a camera.. sigh

All in all, thank you everyone who helped out and came for the party. I had a really fun time and i hope you had a fun time as well. Till the next fun event!

Busy...

I find it hard to believe i can get so busy when i don't even have a 9-5 part time job. I conduct 3 tuition sessions a week, that's all the work i do and yet i feel bogged down.


Case in point: I woke up at 8am today, went to BBDC for driving class, then proceeded in Pasir Ris for an interview at the place i'll be volunteering for the next 4 years (at least i hope i will be) and ended the day with a tuition class in Choa Chu Kang.


Tomorrow: have driving class again, then tuition class in the evening.


Thursday: driving class and either a CEO talk at SMU or my volunteer orientation. Argh...


I don't have time to spend with Ariel! Sigh, My poor dear...


In other news, i'm addicted to reading Fortune magazine. At the SMU Vivace (ECA Day) they gave us 2 copies of Fortune magazine. I read them on the way back and i was instantly hooked. For some reason, Ariel doesn't seem to think they're very interesting..


Now, i don't think i'll ever become a CEO in my life. Its an awful lot of decision making that i don't think any amount of law school can prepare you for. Asians on the whole are not very decisive people. Face is mighty important and the reluctance to take drastic measures stifles our executive ability some.


What i do know is though, that I have the ability to excel and i owe it to God and to myself to realise that potential. I may never become CEO, but if i do not do my damn best in whatever field i'm in; please give me a slap in the face.


That said, i have no idea what i want to do in life. I know, i haven't even entered business school yet but goals are important no? Singapore has a dearth of effective management. I want to be able to solve that, i want to learn critical decision making and how to be an effective leader. I think Singapore really needs that now. Its always said that we are a hardworking people and sometimes i think to myself: "How on earth can that be? From what i see, no one takes their work seriously at all" I think workers on the whole are disenchanted by being a small cog in the massive economic machine. This hurts morale and we're just starting to see how bad it really is.


Simply put, we lack the hunger. To put it bluntly, we lack the hunger to own the competition. Are there solutions?


Again, my experience of the working world is incredibly limited but as far as i know but i've yet to see someone who truly likes his job.


Out

Sentosa today

Some of the church went to Sentosa today to celebrate the birthdays of Gary (our youth leader) and Louis (our youth leader to be? heh heh)


We went to Palawan beach at Sentosa and even though the weather wasn't that great ie; it was rainy, we still managed to have a pretty good time


It was also an excellent opportunity to me remember why exactly i'm not so hot on the beach concept: I can't swim


My inability to swim brings out another aspect in me: mild hydrophobia. Now, my fear of large bodies of water began from so long ago i think my mind has blocked it out lest i actually remember. Least to say, i cannot swim, i cannot relax in water and my feet must absolutely always touch the ground


Sure, many of the church offered to ferry me on their shoulders to this small little wooden block floating in the middle of the Lagoon (Did not take geography, but it *should* be a lagoon) but i had to reject them.


It was not a matter of trust. In other matters i could trust these people with my life, but honestly, i was scared out of my mind. If my feet could not touch solid ground, there's no way i'm going across


Strangely enough, if i'm in a canoe, this fear does not manifest in me. How queer.


Thinking back, I find my fear of water to be irrational, hence calling it a phobia. I feel its mild because i am still capable of willing the fear away but nonetheless, its a daunting prospect for me


This is one aspect of my life that i positively abhor about myself. I wouldn't mind bungee jumping or parachuting but throw me in a body of water and i'll panic. The fear is irrational, it is illogical, there should be no reason for it and yet it exists. It is my failure, and i cannot tell you how much that hurts.


Despite all that though, i still managed to spend some time with Ariel, she accompanied me despite the fact that she could have enjoyed herself by swimming with the rest. So thank you dearie, for you made me feel much better despite all the awkwardness i felt.


Also, there's a half-naked pic of me. I realise that i'm skinny; that too frustrates me to no end. I could blame my body type, being an ectomorph and all but if its one thing i've told me brother, its that i hate blaming our predicaments on others. I will continue to try to gain some weight and try to get some physique as well. Believe me, i looked worse 2 months ago (if it were indeed possible)


So there's that. A happy time with the church and an opportunity for deep introspection.

Ariel in her pink bikini. Pretty right?  

Half naked me at Sentosa today; yes i acted in Schindler's List but i'm trying ok?