Highwind

A Groan of Tedium Escapes Me...

2006-04-04T20:48:00.000+08:00

Startling the fearful,
is this a test?
It has to be....

Excerpt from a Tool song that really describes how i feel right now. I don't know why I feel this way but one thing I do know is that I need it to end and soon. I've never been so tired in so long... and i haven't even started really studying for my exams!

So this is burnout, when you work so hard you burn like a star and in the end, you consume yourself. I think tomorrow will be better, it usually is. I'm not in the depression stage at any rate...

Creative Thinking and an interesting lesson

2005-12-23T18:59:00.000+08:00

I finally got my final creative results and.... they haven't changed one iota. I guess its to be expected. I am well aware what i say is public so i will be careful. I was inititally graded B- for my CT class and apparently, most of my classmates were graded the same. There was furor over this and the prof had to reexamine his scoring.

Of course, not all students would be graded higher - I was one of those students. I am not bitter over it but the rationale behind it sounds strange to my ears. Then again, perhaps it is something that I knew all along but never actually came to terms with and it is this.

My articulation blows. I know that my vocabulary is wide enough but my skill in its usage is way below what i would expect. I realise this when i find myself unable to communicate what i want to say in a way that someone else can easily understand. Also, i am unable to write in such a way that when someone reads it, he or she will understand.

It is no mean task to do so and i set this task before me: To do what it takes to make myself a better communicator in both written and spoken word. I am unsure how to even begin this task but suffice to say, its my new resolution and one i will keep working on if it kills me.

Atrocious articulation indeed

The worse time of year

2005-12-15T13:08:00.000+08:00

And now I rant, most of the semester's results are in and suffice to say, i did not do well at all. I tried my very but most of the results fell short of what i was expecting. The stress of doing well is very real; losing the scholarship is very real. I forsee that if the next semester is the same, i very might well lose what I have fought so hard to retain.

I did horrifically for Econs and rightly so, i never understood the concepts from the beginning and i was never challenged by it - I was downright flummoxed.

And apparently, topics that i enjoyed i did not do as well either. Accounting was a total let down and Creative Thinking i won't even get to. I am not satisfied with the way things turned out. I don't like whiners, and i am not going to whine myself.

Least to say, my view of how things work has changed dramatically and my overall mood to it all has become very grim. A pale shadow hangs over my soul and I hear a dirge being sung, time will tell if it is my own.

2005-08-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

Thanks for coming everyone!

2005-08-15T21:50:00.001+08:00

Cake with my family. All tall and skinny. Ectomorphic genes for the the win~

2005-08-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

Cake with all my aunts, uncles and cousins - Well, not all of them, some of them were elsewhere at the time, but they were there i promise :p

2005-08-15T21:48:00.001+08:00

Cake with my ACS mates. Only 2 of them managed to make it. Curse NS and its myriad responsibilities. Thanks to both Min and Kev for making it!

2005-08-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

Cake with Ariel's Family. Ariel's smile looks sweet here. Anlin looks really dour though...

2005-08-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

Cake with my SMU orientation mates; a really fun bunch. Thanks for coming guys!

2005-08-15T21:46:00.001+08:00

Cake with church, lotsa people too!

2005-08-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

Cake with my JJC mates, excellent turnout, thanks guys for coming!

2005-08-15T21:43:00.001+08:00

More food~~

2005-08-15T21:43:00.000+08:00

Everyone had alot of food to eat...

2005-08-15T21:42:00.000+08:00

Dad manned the BBQ pit for the entire night. We had everything from satay, to chicken wings, to yakitori chicken, to open fire roasted mushrooms with sea salt and black pepper. Really touched Dad managed everything.. thanks Dad!

2005-08-15T21:40:00.000+08:00

We catered..... alot of good ^^b

2005-08-15T21:39:00.000+08:00

They made everyone sign in to enter the function room; the waste of red tape. Later, my sis opened the back gate and half of us entered from there instead

21st Birthday!

2005-08-11T21:54:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since i last updated my blog and quite a bit has transpired since then. For one, i celebrated my 21st birthday with a big party! I haven't posted any pictures coz i can only get them come saturday. Wait for em ^^

The birthday was one of the most touching events i ever had the honour of experiencing. My dad manned the bbq pit the entire evening; he was totally drenched in sweat but didn't stop at all. He cooked lots of great stuff like yakitori chicken and open-fire mushrooms with sea salt and black pepper. Really touched that he did that for me coz i don't usually expect Dad to do this kind of thing... It was really touching that he did and i appreciate him alot more now.

My aunts also cooked up a huge spread of food which everyone said was simply delicious. I didn't have much of an appetite sadly coz i was roving from table to table but from what everyone told me... it tasted great!

Not to leave out Ariel and her sis who helped with the decorations! We had streamers and balloons in the function room and it really added atmosphere to the whole thing. Also, Ariel helped me entertain the guests so i could breath easier as well. Thanks dearie! <3>

A spanking new Ipod Photo from my dearie. Its a really fun device; you can't go wrong when 52% of all MP3 players are Ipods can you?

I also got this swatch skin watch from Clarence and Encik Lai. IWhen i got the watch i was totally shocked man. For it was exactly what i wanted. Initially, i did not know who bought it for me but i was positive that whoever did must be a damn good listener coz that person knew 3 things about me:

I thrashed my watch at surivor camp
I only wear swatch skin coz i have scrawny wrists
The face of the watch must have every number labelled big big coz otherwise i'll see 2 o clock as 3 of clock etc

This watch fulfilled all 3 criteria. What are the odds right? Apparently, Clarence is a mind reader coz he didn't know any of these things ~.~ Maybe i spend too much time with him in NS. I mean, we were the same company, same course and same branch.

I also got a ton of Kinokuniya book vouchers, its a good thing i created a reading list recently, heh heh

There's a ton of other stuff but i can't show it coz i don't a camera.. sigh

All in all, thank you everyone who helped out and came for the party. I had a really fun time and i hope you had a fun time as well. Till the next fun event!

Busy...

2005-08-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

I find it hard to believe i can get so busy when i don't even have a 9-5 part time job. I conduct 3 tuition sessions a week, that's all the work i do and yet i feel bogged down.

Case in point: I woke up at 8am today, went to BBDC for driving class, then proceeded in Pasir Ris for an interview at the place i'll be volunteering for the next 4 years (at least i hope i will be) and ended the day with a tuition class in Choa Chu Kang.

Tomorrow: have driving class again, then tuition class in the evening.

Thursday: driving class and either a CEO talk at SMU or my volunteer orientation. Argh...

I don't have time to spend with Ariel! Sigh, My poor dear...

In other news, i'm addicted to reading Fortune magazine. At the SMU Vivace (ECA Day) they gave us 2 copies of Fortune magazine. I read them on the way back and i was instantly hooked. For some reason, Ariel doesn't seem to think they're very interesting..

Now, i don't think i'll ever become a CEO in my life. Its an awful lot of decision making that i don't think any amount of law school can prepare you for. Asians on the whole are not very decisive people. Face is mighty important and the reluctance to take drastic measures stifles our executive ability some.

What i do know is though, that I have the ability to excel and i owe it to God and to myself to realise that potential. I may never become CEO, but if i do not do my damn best in whatever field i'm in; please give me a slap in the face.

That said, i have no idea what i want to do in life. I know, i haven't even entered business school yet but goals are important no? Singapore has a dearth of effective management. I want to be able to solve that, i want to learn critical decision making and how to be an effective leader. I think Singapore really needs that now. Its always said that we are a hardworking people and sometimes i think to myself: "How on earth can that be? From what i see, no one takes their work seriously at all" I think workers on the whole are disenchanted by being a small cog in the massive economic machine. This hurts morale and we're just starting to see how bad it really is.

Simply put, we lack the hunger. To put it bluntly, we lack the hunger to own the competition. Are there solutions?

Again, my experience of the working world is incredibly limited but as far as i know but i've yet to see someone who truly likes his job.

Out

Sentosa today

2005-07-25T01:19:00.000+08:00

Some of the church went to Sentosa today to celebrate the birthdays of Gary (our youth leader) and Louis (our youth leader to be? heh heh)

We went to Palawan beach at Sentosa and even though the weather wasn't that great ie; it was rainy, we still managed to have a pretty good time

It was also an excellent opportunity to me remember why exactly i'm not so hot on the beach concept: I can't swim

My inability to swim brings out another aspect in me: mild hydrophobia. Now, my fear of large bodies of water began from so long ago i think my mind has blocked it out lest i actually remember. Least to say, i cannot swim, i cannot relax in water and my feet must absolutely always touch the ground

Sure, many of the church offered to ferry me on their shoulders to this small little wooden block floating in the middle of the Lagoon (Did not take geography, but it *should* be a lagoon) but i had to reject them.

It was not a matter of trust. In other matters i could trust these people with my life, but honestly, i was scared out of my mind. If my feet could not touch solid ground, there's no way i'm going across

Strangely enough, if i'm in a canoe, this fear does not manifest in me. How queer.

Thinking back, I find my fear of water to be irrational, hence calling it a phobia. I feel its mild because i am still capable of willing the fear away but nonetheless, its a daunting prospect for me

This is one aspect of my life that i positively abhor about myself. I wouldn't mind bungee jumping or parachuting but throw me in a body of water and i'll panic. The fear is irrational, it is illogical, there should be no reason for it and yet it exists. It is my failure, and i cannot tell you how much that hurts.

Despite all that though, i still managed to spend some time with Ariel, she accompanied me despite the fact that she could have enjoyed herself by swimming with the rest. So thank you dearie, for you made me feel much better despite all the awkwardness i felt.

Also, there's a half-naked pic of me. I realise that i'm skinny; that too frustrates me to no end. I could blame my body type, being an ectomorph and all but if its one thing i've told me brother, its that i hate blaming our predicaments on others. I will continue to try to gain some weight and try to get some physique as well. Believe me, i looked worse 2 months ago (if it were indeed possible)

So there's that. A happy time with the church and an opportunity for deep introspection.

2005-07-25T01:18:00.001+08:00

Ariel in her pink bikini. Pretty right?

2005-07-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

Half naked me at Sentosa today; yes i acted in Schindler's List but i'm trying ok?

I suck at driving!

2005-07-24T01:09:00.000+08:00

Sigh... I went for my first (technically 2nd but i didn't learn jack in the first one) driving lesson at BBDC yesterday and i have to declare: I SUCK AT DRIVING

I was taught how to turn around corners, how to change to 2nd gear and how to brake smoothly. Naturally, i couldn't do even one thing right

To be fair, turning around corners was rather okay in my opinion, just that sometimes i would handle the steering wheel from the inner side or simply refuse to let my hands off the steering wheel causing my hands to tangle with each other ~.~

Also, sometimes while turning i'd misjudge the distance of the car from the lane and cross lanes or revert to a straight line too early. Sigh.. strike One!

Next, changing gear. He asking me to change gear the moment i started moving the gear at first gear. The car has barely moved for 2 secs before i'm told to "Let go accelerator, change gear" This is when i'm like 3 metres away from the the turn (for the record, my foot isn't even on the accelerator when i'm turning, sigh)

To make things worse, i just can't seem to get the feel for the accelerator right so everytime i change gear and get my foot back on the accelerator i either accelerate too fast or just not enough. Strike Two!

Last, braking. My problem comes from my inability to distinguish between reality and computer games. In computer games when you want to brake, you just jam the brake. In real life, you jam the brake and the car screams to a halt with massive inertia even at 20km/h.

Ok, so i'm told to press it gradually and at some point i'm supposed to activate the clutch? Sigh.. no matter how, braking slowly means i brake too slowly and the instructor has to brake for me. If i brake for myself its massive inertia time. I suck, strike three!

Three strikes and i'm out. I suck

2005-07-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

The beginning of my driving lessons... and the beginnings of a very very uphill task

Seventh-Day Christian?

2005-07-19T22:26:00.000+08:00

I feel like a seventh-day Adventist Christian of late. That is, i'm only a Christian on Sabbath. Maybe that's too extreme; I feel like i'm leading the life of a hypocrite.

I go to church, i try to lead the Christian life and honestly, at the risk of sounding proud, I can say with confidence that I've accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour and i try my best to constantly renew that. Saved once doesn't mean saved forever: its a process yea?

But on the other hand, I listen to heavy metal, rock, etc. I drink on occasion, mainly for recreation (but truly on occasion only). I read comics of questionable nature (Lucifer series anyone?) I eat whatever i want... don't think so hard whether its pork or not (though i'm feeling increasingly guilty coz of it) The list goes on...

Question! Does God look at all this stuff? Am i still the same thrash i started out as because of my lifestyle?

My point is, in my heart i feel like God's child but my lifestyle totally says otherwise. Worse still, i portray myself differently depending on my audience. I try not to be a stumbling block as much as possible; I won't drink if i know it will cause someone to be uncomfortable.

Honestly, behaving that way only makes me feel worse coz it like i'm not being the real me.

Behaviour wise i think i'm pretty close to my true nature. I'm happy to announce that the way i behave is no mask and that truly i do try to be as nice to everyone as much as possible. Yes yes, some of you will say otherwise, but i'm trying ok? Its... nice to be nice and i don't regret it. If anything, i'd like to be even more a gentleman (I hear my dearie groaning... Don't worry dearie, you get extra extra special treatment! ^^)

Anyway, that's the life i lead. I'm not exactly sure how to lead a Christian life but i sure wish God would tell me how...

The Perils of Blogging

2005-07-19T22:12:00.000+08:00

Today's newspaper had a large portion dedicated to blogs and bloggers in general. One article that caught my eye was regarding the legal nature of blogs.

Simply speaking, legal action can be taken against you if you post questionable material regarding a person or an organisation. Of course, the PSC (was it PSC?) scholar example was cited.

I recall a similar incident at my old camp. A trainee my branch had taught posted... critical opinions regarding the organisation that i used to work for and was subsequently charged. Personally, i felt he was anti-establishment for the sake of attention but what the hey.

So what's the problem you might ask? The thing, i too have opinions on an organisation i wish to voice out on; but the prudent course of action would be to remain silent. It is a poor thing when there are out of bound markers even where the Internet is concerned.

What's everyone's opinion on this? Do you think its alright to post critical opinions so long as they are based on fact?

CIRCLE Xperience -- A lesson on Teambuilding

2005-07-17T15:20:00.000+08:00

Like i said previously i spent 3 days and 2 nights SMU's CIRCLE Xperience orientation camp which is a stay-in affair.

Like i've said before, I'm not really a camp person so i thought i wouldn't enjoy this camp. After the camp, my opinions haven't changed: I still don't like camps but i did learn a few positive things from this camp.

I learnt the myriad aspects of proceeding with tasks. I learnt the importance of planning, dealing with frustration (cursed spiderwebs!), the fine difference of planning vs execution, the need to listen to everyone in a group and that everyone has something to contribute; you just got to listen.

Granted, these are things you can simply read about but to experience these things gives a different perspective and its a good thing i learnt about this stuff coz its going to be a project fiesta where i'm going

I also made many friends in my group, its been quite awhile since i've known anyone new so it was fun. I got no pictures unfortunately coz i have neither digital camera or camera handphone so too bad..

All in all, it was a good camp coz i had the chance to make more friends and even learn a few things along the way. Special thanks to Kairen and Yunjia for faciliating our group and the rest of Lembells for making the camp both a fun and learning experience

Some things I learnt...

2005-07-14T21:06:00.000+08:00

A painful lesson was taught to me today, this past week has been full of tough lessons but this one is something so vital that it would be sheer folly if i carried on with my ways.

I won't speak of the incident, but i will tell you what i've learnt. I've learnt that being transparent and honest is a facet of relationships that i've ignored for the longest time. There are many times that i purposely lie or hide things away from Ariel. I do this not because i'm an irresponsble cad but rather i think (and wrongly i might add) that if she doesn't find out, she won't be hurt in the slightest.

I think.. i've been very wrong with the way i've been approaching this aspect of our relationship. We agreed a long time ago that we would be honest with each other about anything: its a matter of trust! I have of course, failed her.

I resolve to change myself in a way that i might more be a man of integrity than a knave. It is a paradigm shift but a necessary one at that. It is also true that by being honest with her might lead to more arguments in the future which could have been avoided if i just told a white lie. However, I feel that as both of us get to know each other better we will be able to bridge the gap somehow. If i avoided these kind of arguments we would never grow.

In any case, that's what i want to share with everyone, its an important lesson and i should rue the day i forget it

Going for SMU orientation camp

2005-07-12T00:43:00.000+08:00

I'll be going to the SMU CIRCLE Xperience camp from 12-14th July. I'm not really a camp person, so i hope everything will go well. Pray for me; i'll see everyone soon...

Orientation Dinner

2005-07-11T02:00:00.000+08:00

I went for a dinner thingy with my orientation group to Marche today. It was a fun gesture, i had the chance to meet my facilitators (read: OGLs) and my orientation group mates. No pictures unfortunately, coz i don't have a camera phone though i hope that will change ^^

Anyways, this meeting gave me to understand first hand how horrible i am at names. I had immense difficulty remembering everyone's name and in all honesty, still can't remember everyone i met today; i sooo need to work on that.

The people there are a really diverse bunch, people from different JCs all around, some from poly and myriad interests. One of them does figure skating, go figure.

I enjoyed myself at the dinner and don't have much worry for the 3 day orientation camp ahead though i personally hate leadership and team building camps but that's just me. What really worries me and still continues to worry me is whether or not i can make it in uni.

Why do i say this? I was introduced to the GPA system today. It works like this: 4 points for an A, 3 points for a B and so on. Plus and minues are 0.3 each; that is, B+ is worth 3.3. I need a GPA of 3 to stay in the double degree programme and by proxy i need a GPA of 3.0 to stay in the scholarship programme. Why is this worrying you might ask? I'm glad you asked coz i'm going to tell you.

This system implies that i have to achieve straight Bs or better in my entire uni life and in all honesty, i'm not sure if i can do that. Uni life is supposedly very different from anything we've experienced before. I can only imagine that SMU is more different, if that were possible. Its not that i don't have sufficient self esteem but its the way i am. I don't play games that i think i won't win. Does that mean i'm not a risk-taker? Strangely enough, i am willing to take risk if it is worth the intended result from such a gambit but i surely will never ever venture into something i have zero knowledge about. This is why i don't like camps and this is the reason why i don't know if i can suceed in SMU.

I can only trust God to help me through all this. He's brought me up this far there's no way i can go through it all without Him. There's is a great tendency to rely on oneself for some reason and that's something i have to overcome. I can't forget my old memory verses can i? Trust in the Lord with all thine heart. Man i need some faith....

Punctuation and Paragraphing

2005-07-08T21:59:00.000+08:00

As my GP teacher once told me, a legible boring essay beats an illegible boring essay (yes, he's quite the cynic)

Anyway, it never dawned on me to read the stuff i'd written before and i've suddenly realised that i've never left any paragraphing on all my entries! Well, to tell the truth, i do leave paragraphs but because i forgot to leave the html command to leave a space they do not turn up.

Again, my apologies to everyone for the eye-burning ordeals i've put you through, the entries from now on won't be like that....

2005-07-06T16:41:00.000+08:00

The notebook i just bought, my 2nd concubine if you will. Its a 1.86 Ghz Centrino with 1 gig RAM, x600 Radeon, 8x Dual Layer DVD writer, 14.1' Glossy display with a brushed metal casing in a decent 2.4kg package. Power Overwhelming!

2005-07-06T16:36:00.000+08:00

This is the picture we took with Neil Gaiman, really cool guy. Gotta pity the state of his wrist though....

Trust vs Belief

2005-07-01T01:43:00.000+08:00

I'd like to share something from the Bible; 2 verses from Proverbs that have followed me all my life and only quite recently have i begun to take it seriously.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not onto your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and
He will make your paths straight"

The first time i encountered this passage was from my primary school. The open air badminton hall on the 4th floor had this verse emblazoned on the wall in dulled gold and i've never quite forgotten them.

Of late though, i've finally come closer to realising what this passage is trying to say. It says "Trust" and not believe. Trust is faith in action. It doesn't take much to believe in something, to borrow a famous illustration, I believe a tightrope walker can safely traverse a tightrope. Whether i can trust him to carry me across that same tightrope is totally a different affair. That's the crux of the matter, to Trust in God with all our heart, to trust him with everything aspect of our lives, not just sabbath time or devotional time. He's the God of everything, and He wants everything single part of you, you are that precious in His Sight. So remember Him when you take the bus, when you study, when you're playing computer games, when anything! Trust Him to make it right, even when its going right. Isn't it a sad thing to only turn to Him when we're down and out? Include Him in everything we do, mundane or exciting, He wants to be a part of it.

.... and lean not onto your own understanding
This one is a kicker; we know that we can trust God with everything and yet we want to do it our way. Its my way or the highway, isn't that the way life is? We want results fast and we wanted them 5 minutes ago. Its a lesson of patience and humility to depend on someone else isn't it? Its rare to see a person that wants to depend on someone else. Yet, God tells us to lean not onto our own understanding. To trust Him, He can make it right, we said we would trust Him didn't we? Neil Gaiman's Delirium said "I knew it would be in the last place i searched so i searched there first" and we should be no different. Let God be the first resort and not the last.

And the post gets lengthy and rambly i apologise. I won't expound on what i feel on the next 2 verses unless you guys really want me to. Yes, i have that much storyteller blood in me.

Anyway, life of late has taken a turn for the worse. School is starting soon and i matriculated today. COMPULSORY orientation which is stay-in clashes with my wednesday community centre tuition class that i have to teach. I cannot join the business camp coz it also clashes on a wednesday. I have to write a letter to the head of the student comittee to inform him i have to go back for a short while on wednesday night to teach. Among other things, there's 80 hours of volunteer work that we are "strongly encouraged" to clear before school starts. That's 80 hours for our 4 years there. I strongly feel that there's something AWFULLY wrong about this of which i will talk about next post. The winds of change are coming and i'm in a season of mist; goodness! This verse is timely...

Neil Gaiman

2005-06-23T19:53:00.000+08:00

Neil Gaiman is coming to Singapore! For those who don't know him, Neil Gaiman's an author, my favourite one in fact. He's written quite a few novels like American Gods but he's most famous for his Sandman series. If you've known me long enough, you'd heard me hock this series before; for those that don't, here we go....

The Sandman is a story about Dream of the Endless, he's an anthromorphic personification of a point of view. That is, because we dream, therefore he exists. His job is simple (of course, the simple things are always hard), he has to construct the things we dream. It goes like this, when we dream of something, we are actually in the Dreaming and the things that we see there, pink elephants et al, are actual constructs that exist in the Dreaming. Its alot of work, but its his task, and he performs it well.

He is of the endless, one of 7. The seven, in order of their age are: Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Desire/Despair (twins) and Delirium. I'd tell you more about each and everyone of them but i know everyone hates a long entry :p
Anyway.... This comic series has a dark gothic feel with mythological references from *everywhere* and the best thing is, some of the stories don't even have dream in it! The Sandman isn't just a person, its a setting.

But i digress, Neil Gaiman is coming to Singapore and will be giving a talk as well as an autograph session on the 4th of July. Tickets are $8 each and there are 4.30 pm and 7.30 pm sessions. It will be at cineleisure orchard. Not too sure where else to get the tickets but i got mine at Comic's Mart.

Good stuff, if you're going too be sure to pop me a tell and we can go together and stuff!

Talk about a hiatus...

2005-06-22T02:38:00.000+08:00

Alright, so its been awhile since i posted and its been even longer since i've mentioned anything about my post on the 50 things i said i would speak about; I guess i should now. Today's topic: Working Out

First, a brief introduction on my physique. I am scrawny beyond belief; I weigh 55kg (on good days) but i'm 1.82m tall. My BMI and body fat is so low, i scare myself. That being said, i *want* to gain weight or at least gain muscle. I eat a healthy amount in my opinion but my weight hangs around 55kg. I did lose 4 kg after my 2 operations though, cest la vie.

Moving on, i do work out a little at home. I have a pullup bar, a single 5kg dumbbell (donated by a long lost Indonesian friend) and the cold hard floor. Ok, so don't laugh my muscle-bound friends but this is what i do once every 2 days (everything is in sets of 12)

3 sets bicep curls
3 sets hammer curls
3 sets deltoid raise thingies (/shrug)
5 sets wide arm pushups
3 sets situps
some pullups

I don't know, maybe i'm doing it all wrong. Or maybe, i'm genetically predisposed to be skinny; almost my whole family is scrawny. Maybe i'm not doing the exercises right, maybe this maybe that, who knows?

Why am i doing all this for? Well, for one i'd like less bony shoulder for Ariel to rest on and on a personal sense i want my body to mirror my mind. God has given me a good mind and i want to make my body the same. I don't want to be some huge dude, some physique is good enough for me and oh, no more scrawny arms please ^^

Some final notes: I used to do a decent amount of cardio but of late i've stopped totally. I know cardio and weight gaining aren't exactly mutually exclusive but they don't go together that well either. I should start my cardio again soon though, maybe twice a week, maybe with Ariel too ^^ Also, i'm getting one of those swiss exercise balls. Gonna add some back strengthening exercises too; tall and skinny do not a good posture make.

Finally, to the many people who tell me how skinny and scrawny i am, i assure you i'm aware of my physique and i am working on it, just give me some time. I'm trying!

Scholarship oh my

2005-06-07T22:00:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, as always, its been an immeasureably long time since i've last posted. Alas, real life and game life draws me away from revealing anything but the most exciting portions of my life :p

Anyways, this entry is about the Lee Kong Chian scholarship (Touchy issue, considering the uproar recently when some uber scholar posted some really scathing remarks) Ahem, anyway, to begin:

SMU called me on friday and one of their staff, Melissa, informed me that i was shortlisted for the Lee Kong Chian (henceforth LKC) scholarship and the interview would be on monday. Despite the short notice, i acknowledged and thus began the whirlwind ride.

I have never went to an interview before, well, the SMU early admission might have counted as an interview but it kinda fun and totally non-stressful i'd loathe to label it an interview. Anyway, i started reading about scholarship interviews and started thinking of answers to those eternally tough questions they always ask in scholarship. I eventually did find answers to these questions but all for nothing it would seem......

Cut to monday morning 9am and here i am shirt and tie in LKC school of business level 3 meeting room 1. There were some of my fellow interviewees already there and i greeted them. I felt so tense i could cut my own tension with a knife let alone the others. Anyway, by 9am, all but 1 of the 14 interviewees had arrived and we were escorted to meeting room 2 that was larger.

It was there i was informed that that would be no individual interview, instead, we would be seperated into 2 groups to discuss and complete a question and then we would present it. My group consisted of 6 guys and a girl (no pizza place though) and we began our task: choosing the right question. We could do question number 1, where we imagined ourselves to be a scholarship panel that would decide the numerous requirements and related issues on a scholarship or we could do question 2, where we were given 8 great works and had to decide to consign them to oblivion. Our task was to decide the order in which we would consign them and the reasons why.

Needless to say, i fell in love with question 2. Never mind that i didn't know what Fermat's last theorem was (I later did find out, and man, was Fermat a prankster) but i love min-maxing and this was right up my alley. Our group discussed it though, and we decided to err on the better side of caution and do question 1 instead. The reasons were many. Insufficient knowledge, widely differeing concepts notwithstanding. A little part of me died when we started on question 1 (I sooo love drama :p)

Anyways, when it came to the discussion, we ended up defending our choice of question more than our points (which were boring anyway) It was fun, and we digressed from the topic too many times to count which on hindsight was a good thing as i'll explain later.

Lunchtime! My appetite had evaded for the entirety of the morning and it continued to do so for lunchtime. I had a light Seaweed soba that tasted sour (darn soba, should have had the udon) and green tea. Go vegetarianism! Anyway, back to interview~

The 2nd part of the interview has us discussing the other groups question. They had chosen their question 2 (the "creative" one for lack of a better term) which was simply O. Yup, that's it, just O, nothing else. However, while our choice of question was bad, their method of answering was criticised. They present 3 concentric circles where "ME" was in the centre which was surrounded by SMU, which was surrounded by Singapore society which was surrounded by the world. 2-way arrows were drawn through every border to indicate a 2-way relationship between each level. I won't elaborate on their presentation but i can assume you can draw what was said simply from the diagram. The profs and our group however were not. Prof Chua noted that SMU could be replaced by NUS or NTU or anything for that matter and kinda sealed it for the team. Our group took turns to criticise the other groups presentation which we felt was... lacking. We kinda expected more from such an open-ended question but were left wanting in the process. To be honest, i felt kinda bad for group 2 as they had the unenviable task of having to defend themselves (i couldn't think of a counter defence for them, i would so hate to be in their shoes) They did pose us this stinger though, could we (group 1) have come out with something more creative? Good question, and i got to thinking...

If it were up to me, my answer would be that O looks like zero which is called Nil. Nil to me brings up the concept of Nihility. Where if nothing existed, how would it be? Anyway, it never came to that and i could never bring that point out. Alas :p

When it was all said and done, we were given 2 minutes each to talk about the interview today, what could be improved about it and what we could contribute to society if we were given the scholarship. That said and done, the interview ended and i went home, showered and headed to Marche to meet Peng Kong for "last supper" before NS starts for him.

Now, from 9am till 5pm when the interview ended i could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I could swear my heart rate was pushing 100. My digestive system was out and i could almost feel myself trembling. Even when the interview ended the adrenaline had not been flushed out of my system and every phone call coz it to spike again. Reason being: They said they would call everyone one of us tonight to tell us whether we would get the scholarship or not. They finally called while we were having dinner at Marche, Melissa called and she said she had good news. I was selected! I was estatic! I thanked her profusely and had a good dinner sans the butterflies.

So here we are, I've been selected for the LKC scholarship worth 50k i think (I heard someone shoot the number but i can't confirm it)Something i never thought would happen in my wildest dreams. Truly, praise be to God for again he has poured out more blessings than my cup can contain! There is no limit to how much love He has for us and how much He is willing to bless us.

On a sidenote: I said some very.... insensitive remarks during the interview, i wish i could have taken them back but obviously, I can't. I sincerely hope i did not hurt anyone's feeling during the course of the interview. It would have been a poor thing to have to hurt someone for this scholarship which is the last thing i would want. I apologise to anyone who feels this way and i hope you'll forgive me. If there's anything i disliked about the interview it was that in the course of our lively discussion the underlying cause was the scholarship. All of us wanted it, desired it. The competition for it made things very tense which may have been one of the objectives of the selection process. It was not easy for me to say the things i did but i did anyway, and i feel really bad if i hurt anyone. Real life must be all about this i imagine and now is a good as time as any to learn. I did say one thing that i really wished a euphemised though, but i'll carry that with me for now.

Praise to the Lord for this blessing. A new chapter in my life begins now. One with even greater social responsibility than before. It sounds really daunting but i know my Lord is always there to depend on in every part of the way.

Semper Fi

2005-04-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

Three interesting things have happening since i last posted and i thought i should share it with you all

· First of all, I recently presented to my cell group regarding money. It was a subject close to my heart and i belive close to hearts of many as well. I had not spoken in cell for some time now and i was exceedingly nervous when i started. When i started though, all my training from Civil Defence took over (yes, that's right). I think Clarence noticed this immediately coz my very first phrase was something i *always* say when i start the lesson. But i digress. I enjoyed the session immensely and regretted that we did not have more time to discuss some very interesting points. Two very important points that we touched on was that we should not borrow. This sparked off alot of points such as lending out of need, lending to friends, etc. What i learnt from it all was this: Do not borrow, if you need to borrow, you don't need it and you're obviously living beyond your means. Next, don't borrow, if you must, whether to help a friend or family then don't expect to get it back (This does not mean we become walking ATMs but rather, we don't let the money get in the way of the relationship. A friend owes me money right now and i expect it back. Not anytime in the future of course but i want it back.... eventually) Lastly, never never ever charge interest.

· Another thing we spoke of was that we should not live for ourselves but live for God. Moreso, does this mean we live a small life and force ourselves to be happy with whatever we have? Of course not! One of the cell group members said something that i found very true. We said that all of God's 'elite' as i'd like to call them; Job, Abraham, Joseph, et al were mindnumingly rich. They weren't just rich, they were so rich that i don't think they even knew how much they owned. Yet, they were God's people. So utterly devoted to God that neither disaster (Job), self sacrifice (Abraham) nor Vengeance (Joseph) stood in the their devotion. I believe that everything belong to God and we are called to be stewards for his stuff. At the end of it all, all of us have to tell Him what exactly did we do with all the stuff he left in our charge. "Yes Lord, I invested the money you gave me and trusted in You to tell me what to do. It grew into a Fortune 500 company and now that you're back, here are the keys to the company" God doesn't want us to lead small lives, He wants us to lead HUGE lives. Stop worrying about money today, stop worrying you can't get that next big thing, stop worrying right now coz it all belongs to God and our job is to be good responsible managers of what we're given and let Him do the work.

· Phew... that was alot, another thing that happened the most recent Sabbath was that i was called "Daddy". By accident of course but it felt soooo sweet and I had a good feeling inside me for the longest time. Now i'm bad with names and faces so please forgive me if i'm wrong but i think it was Mikaila, Micheal Chee's daughter that accidentally called me daddy. She only saw my back and from behind i look like him so she called me daddy. When i turned around she realised she had called the wrong person and drank from the bottle to hide her embarassment. I don't laugh at her, not at all. I did the same thing a very long time ago. It was in a shopping centre and i held the hand nearest to me. Turns out it was a total stranger and not my dad. Sooooo embarassing. But i digress. I think Michael Chee (So uncomfortable calling him that, uncle Michael is tons more respectful, yet also seems wrong. Confucious would be proud) is a really handsome dude. All his children have some awesome genes and i think they'll grow to be some great people. I think he and i have a similar dress sense (Pastel shirts and khaki pants for the win) and to be mistaken to be him is kinda an honour. I don't think i've spoken with him much but he seems like the kind of guy i think i might be when i grow older (Look pass the naivete please). Good role model, strong Christian and everything else (don't forget the dress sense ^^) I didn't feel good because Mikaila called me daddy, i felt good coz i felt like i was moving in the same direction as uncle Michael, which in my opinion, ain't such a bad thing.

· Last thing... i've ridden past some of my procrastination and finally registered for driving lessons with the driving centre. I figure it'll cost me at least $1500 unless i have the motor skills of Ayrton Senna which i strongly doubt. The darndest thing is this: i have $1500 in my bank account. More money that i ever had in my entire life. I spent my entire NS life living from one paycheck to the next, trying so desperately to save. I ORD, decide in my heart to tithe and even give a bit more for offering AND feel good about it. Suddenly i get job offers being thrown into my face. I have 2 tuitions jobs, a 3rd one for a community centre. For the last one i didn't go for an interview or send a resume. They called me coz they knew my mum. Amazing grace! Also, I helped Youngberg with some work and was paid pretty well too. Every month i tithe more and more coz that 10 percent keeps getting bigger and bigger. I'll admit though, the fact that all of it will disappear coz of driving makes my heart hurt a little. But i know that if God didn't want me to learn driving i would have alot less than $1500 in my account. Live within your means He says, my means let me learn driving. Also, since its all tuition work i work 24 hours a MONTH and get $600. Woot~!

Part of Malachi 3:10 says "...throw open the floodgates of hraven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it"

"...In the world but not of the world"

2005-03-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

I realise i've not posted for an exceedingly amount of time. For that i apologise. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time playing World of Warcraft and seldom find time outside of my addiction to post. But this post isn't about that.

I've met a new friend in church of late. His name is Abraham and he is blind. He is a jovial and fascinating individual. He was not blind all his life but due to a medical condition he became thus. Pik Yee, the pastor's wife introduced him to me. We spoke and he opened up perspectives that i had never considered before and now that they are opened to me, must be considered.

We spoke of many things but foremost of his words were on God and finance. He revealed to me the dishonest scales of the finance system in the world we live in today. Furthermore, he encouraged me to live my life for God. To seek first the kingdom of God and his Righteousness. Indeed, this man lives a life exemplary of that verse.

There was one thing however that he told me that i never did understand until today. He said that God called us to be "in the world but not of the world". I honestly did not grasp the meaning of his words until today where perhaps by God's providence were revealed to me in an epiphany.

I will not reveal the nature of my thoughts but i can tell you this: It is impossible to be of the world and still be a Christian. It is an impossibility. The beliefs that the world and Christ have are as diameterically opposed as matter and antimatter. From now on, I pray that as i live day by day for wisdom to see the evil more clearly, to be with God more closely and to live Him more deeply. There is simply no compromise between the 2. The road is long and hard but I will walk, not alone but with God.

I am not an extreme person. I would not consider myself a fundamentalist. To those who think I am calling for a war on non believers please listen to what i have to say. I am not suddenly calling all my friends who do not share my beliefs my enemy. Such neurosis is unbecoming and fitting only for the most extreme of fundamentalists. I love my neighbour as myself as much as i can and will continue to do as such. To those who wish me harm i pray that God will reveal to me their ways that i might not fall to the wayside with their snares.

Some might call this pride and a holier-than-thou attitude. I will simply say that because i am a Christian therefore i am a sinner. We are all sinners in this world and none moreso than the person who recognises his sin. I am by no means perfect. I have failed God in so many ways i dare not count them. I do not even follow some of the most basic precepts of my church. I listen to any music that catches my fancy, i eat anything that i fancy. Some of the "rules" of the church i do not follow. I am but a sinner. I pray that God can transform me to the person that he wants me to be. I think it will be gradual that we will only let him but i digress. My point is simple. I am a Christian, and a human being. When i stumble remember that i am but an imperfect being, do not judge me with weightier scales because i am a "Christian" but realise i am just like one of you: imperfect in every way.

I have said much but performed little. I hope in the future i will have the wisdom to see for i was blind before. A little light has entered my eyes and i pray that they might be fully open one day. "Hitherto thou have come, but no further"

Piquance and savour

2004-12-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

You know... i've been thinking. The person i was 2 years ago and the person i am now seems at once both immensely different yet similar. I cannot put my finger on it, but there was a certain point in my life that i lost "it" and became something else. I'm not sure what that "it" but i'd sure like to find out. One thing i can tell everyone that i did lose however, is this:

I've lost the ability (partially at lease) to articulate myself on certain issues with at least some degree of sophistication. I can't help feel that at one point of my life i was capable of deep introspection and that i am not capable of that now. I've been downplaying myself alot, put a limit on how much "sophistication" i use in my day to day living and conversations. As if sophistication and cogent thinking presented itself in some gauge where i could measure and apply as needed. Nonetheless, it appears to me that i need that "it" back and in some small way that "it" presents itself in my capacity to provide opinions on issues.

I used to do that in JC; think or write my opinion toward a certain manner and feel satisfied about it. Or just feel the cold bite of the wind on my skin and feel a tingle of despair, like the wind carrying a fraction of your self away. So, to solve this, i'm going to write a series of issues and write about each of them. I'll provide a list first and then every few days tear something apart and write on it. Slowly but surely i'm sure i can get at least that sliver of "it" Readers are of course welcome to choose what they'd like me to give my opinion of. It'll make me feel alot better knowing someone is reading this and its not just a personal mental exercise. The ego is a strange animal that is best fed by others...

By the by, the list is in no order of importance, just the order my mind is thinking of one liners :) I'll try to think of at least 50 random things, you're welcome to provide others if you'd like.

The list:
1. National Service
2. Smoking
3. Motorcycles
4. Work
5. God
6. MMORPGs
7. Hypocrisy
8. Honour
9. Honesty
10. Grace
11. Patience
12. Games
13. Handphones
14. Friends
15. Dreams
16. Despair
17. Ennui
18. Unfairness
19. Blood donation
20. Solitude
21. Church
22. Politics
23. Credit cards
24. Alcohol
25. Working out
26. Making out
27. Nutrition
28. Girls
29. Guys
30. Girlfriends
31. Boyfriends
32. Comedy
33. Height=leader?
34. Sleep
35. Envy
36. Night
37. Music
38. Art
39. Theatre
40. World of warcraft
41. Swearing
42. Hedonism
43. Self-esteem
44. Introspection
45. Sarcasm
46. Love
47. Piracy
48. Death
49. Pride
50. Subsuming the self

Well... there are obviously more than 50 things anyone can talk about. But i'll give it a go. If i can finish these 50, i think i might be closer to the person i want to be. Or if anything, it'll be a good mental exercise.

"Its been awhile...."

2004-11-15T15:42:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, its been a terribly long time since i've updated eh? Well... i'd offer an explaination why but first i'd like to say something really important:

First, i'm sorry to Ariel and to everyone who thinks that my girlfriend is a tyrant on me, for one thing, she's not! Its just that for my blog and my diary are my avenues for venting steam. Ergo, its for me to bitch. Now, i don't like to make noise in front of people, so all my frustration and anger is channeled to my writing. Ariel isn't like that, its just that all you guys are reading are the points of arguments that we have. Sorry to everyone that thinks that Ariel is a tyrant, she's not, just that the nature of my blogs makes it appear such. There you go

On further news, Ariel's birthday just past. We had a pretty good birthday though to most standards it would seem like a mindnumbingly boring one. It was fun, and i enjoyed all of it, time to turn up my creative juices for the 21st, now that's gonna be one hell of a birthday to plan.

Which comes to my next point, there are only a few points in my life now that i'm really stressed out. No, its not my exams (i don't have any now, neener neener) Rather, they are, Valentine's day, our anniversary and her birthday. My gosh, it takes alot of effort to think of new and fun stuff to do on these days that honestly, i think i'm running out. But somehow i still manage to think stuff up. Its not easy, but when she's happy, i'm happy too ^^

Hmm... lots of other stuff to say but i just wanna chill today. Its public holiday monday today and i'm really enjoying myself doing nothing. Its been awhile since i've done nothing; usually wayyy too busy. So i'm gonna wallow in my ennui for awhile. Stay well everyone~

Why does it always rain on me?

2004-10-30T23:46:00.000+08:00

Sigh..... scold by Ariel again. This time not about not updating my blog though rather, about FFXI. You see... we've tried to do the Ulguerand range quest 3 times this evening but screwing up each time we each the important part. The drop off. Ariel must be damn pissed... She was so tender and encouraging to me when i was doing the hard parts and reassuring me despite my nervousness and apprehension in doing the quest. Its very stressful to be on high alert constantly. Well.. she's totally mad at me now. I got to go do it again... see you later guys

Grr

2004-10-25T22:42:00.000+08:00

You know? Ariel was just complaining to me how i never update my blog and you know what? She's right. I haven't been updating this blog since ages. I guess i'm just not the kind of person that posts his diary online. I still maintain my personal diary on paper. But somehow, i still don't quite feel comfortable writing a blog for all the world to see.

I can understand the psycholgy behind it though. Everyone wants to be noticed; even if they say they don't. Some are open about it, some however, choose to have blogs. Something, in my opinion invites voyeurs into your life. You want someone to know how you feel. It doesn't have to be someone you know. You just want *anyone* to know. The invention of the blog seems made for this very purpose. Enough ranting though, i'll update when i feel like it

Now, to the reason of my post. I swear, Ariel is having PMS right now or i'm a monkey's uncle. Don't ask me how i know, i just know. Based on eyewitness and circumstantial evidence, i can't help but find Ariel is definitely on the edge today. Prolly will carry on for the next few days i wager. Man... its really getting to me though. I got the phone hung up in my face so many times, each time she does not i feel really really angry. Not angry at her per se, but rather, anger that whatever she's doing now takes so much importance that she can't even spare the time to tell me nicely that she's busy now so we should talk later. I mean, isn't that common courtesy? I think she does this coz im' her boyfriend and since i know her very well. She knows i can take it, so she just does it. I'm not even sure if her actions go through her thought process of how i'd feel about this. Now i don't know about you, but i really hate getting the phone slammed on me. Worse still, in mid-sentence. Sure, call in male pride or egotistical. But i find there's something very wrong with hanging up on someone without saying the proper goodbyes. Perhaps its because it doesn't take much effort to do so and the person that hangs up gives you the impresson that you are not even worth the 2 seconds its takes to say goodbye.

I was given the same harsh treatment not once, but twice today. Of course, life is sooo perfect that when she did return my call. It was exactly when i was fighting Seiryu, 3.5 hours into the game and the small window of 20 minutes and she calls me then. Amazing grace, i can tell you its not the first time something like this has happened. I tell her as politely as i can that i'm busy now and will call her back soon. Of course, she's too angry over this, chiding me. Telling me that if i shouldn't call her if i didn't want to talk. I do want to talk! Just so sway this had to happen. Sigh... blame me.

I wanted to talk to her so much today. So much i want to tell her. The very first time i called her. I wanted to ask her some pretty intimate things that of course will not see print here. Obviously, the desire to say such things has since diminished. Talking on the phone is the last priority here, everything else takes precedance. That is, how i feel about it anyway. Goodness gracious i just can't understand women. I know she's tired and frustrated about the game, especially about the chest affair down at Oldton but.... sigh, sometimes i wish she would relax about the game and not take it as stubbornly as her math problems. I've told her before that in my mind's eye i see her running into a wall over and over again until the wall of "math problems" collapses under the continuous strength of willpower. Ariel laughed at me when i told her that, i find it funny too... But that doesn't diminish how much i feel its like this in practice.

Well.... i'm written off most of my steam. Which brings me to my next point. I only write when i'm infuriated or very very anxious about something. Yes, i don't write when i'm happy. Of course, thing's of great importance take a place in my diary. When i got Ariel to be my girlfriend, our first date, etc. These things are all recorded in the annals of my life. But they take up a small part. For the most part, my diaries chronicle my deepest sorrows, my greatest anguish and my unquenchable rage..

Stay well~

Been awhile...

2004-10-04T01:04:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, its been awhile since i've updated this blog. Ariel is gonna be so mad at me..

Anyways, this week has been a rather fast one. Barely noticed that its come and gone. The only thing of note is i've been considering whether or not to take up pharmacy in NUS instead of my double degree in SMU. While i've been granted a place in SMU, pharmacy is kinda my interest after spending so much time in medical stuff. Perhaps my judgement is biased somewhat. I do have a keen interest in drugs. Not sure why, but something magical about a pill or powder that can make a person well, make him incapable of feeling pain or achieve myriad effects.

"I will show you fear in a handful of dust" said Eliot. In the same way, might i show you life in handful of dust? I think my dream is gone before it has started. As far as i know, you need bio at A level standard to qualify and since i don't. I think i'm totally bereft of luck

We'll see...

%#^$& Spyware

2004-09-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

Went to ariel's place today to try and solve her accidental spyware mishap. I managed to clear some of the stuff. I was really happy when i won a few battles and some of the spyware receded. But soon after, the spyware soon returned with a vengeance. I won the battle but lost the war. Now it looks like the only alternative is to format her computer again. Sigh... i hate it as much as she does. #$%# spyware, the people who created such forms of marketing should be taken out and shot, resuscitated and shot again >.<

Sunday dutes

2004-09-26T01:46:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, sigh.. tomorrow i've gotta do duty at camp again. I do on average 2 sundays every week. It involves going to work early, checking the equipment, making sure nothing castatrophic happens during IPPT and then waiting for knock off time. Its mind-numbingly boring work. Spending 2 sundays of every weekend doing that does nothing for my social life as well. Ah well

On the brighter note, i finally get repayed a day of off for doing that sunday duty which is better than the measly half day i used to get before the 5 day week system started. Really thankful for that, if everything goes according to plan. I might actually clear leave on 31st January. We'll see...

Its getting late... i got to research the DNA critique before i sleep... argh, Not much time left, better get to it... Stay well everyone~

Finally friday

2004-09-24T01:23:00.000+08:00

Hey! Alliteration! Anyways.. well, its finally friday. I've been looking forward to the weekend since monday. Its been such a tiring week, Dad's been in Malaysia for the most part and couldn't send me to work so its me against the entire world in getting the only single solitary bus that goes to my camp.

You know its bad when the route to the camp involves going through 1 school and 2 other army camps. This means.. that's right ladies and gentlemen, more people inside the bus than sardines in a can. Takes me a good hour to get from work. I live in jurong and it takes me 1 hour to get to my workplace in boon lay, if that's not screwed up i don't know what is.

Ariel hasn't been having it good though. She's been getting alot of stress recently what with her tests and assignments. I'm trying my best to help her, but i'm not doing a very good job. Sometimes i think a dose of prozac would work better but i gotta put those thoughts outta my head. If both of us think negatively, BAM! Everyone is gonna have a hard time. Her Linear Algebra test is on saturday; i really hope she'll feel much better after the test. Then we can finally get our lives back...

Stay well~

Sorry dear....

2004-09-22T01:13:00.000+08:00

Its been so long since i've updated the blog so much so that every update is kinda coerced by Ariel, i don't want that any longer so from today onwards i'll try to update the blog as often as i can. Which means more than once a week >.<

Anyways, these few days have been very tiring. But then again, which days haven't? I'm more worried for Ariel though, its her holidays now but she sounds so very tired it makes me very sad. Today i wanted so much to talk to her but she's busy this time. Worse, when she's free i'm stuck at work doing something or rather for someone. We hardly have the time to talk to each other anymore. Rather, we are hardly able to find the time when both of us are free enough to talk about these things. This has got me to be really sad.

Today, she complained to me about her lack of finances. If there's anything that worries my dear more than schoolwork and me (its true!) then its money. She was very frustrated trying to find where did all her missing money went and it was alot of money. She eventually found where all that money but of course it didn't make her feel any better. I just wish her Dad would stop short-changing her. He owes her allowance and her book expenses for so very long already, the least he could do is pay her back. I know the truth though, he'll create excuses to avoid paying as if if he avoids it long enough the problem will solve itself. I wonder if he waiting for the SGD to devalue or something before giving the allowance. I can understand occasional shortfalls, we're all human here but every single time? Now that just reeks of a bad paymaster.

This is all compounded by the fact he'll prolly pay her less than the correct amount. Creating reason like he owes her money from this or that all in a bid to reduce the amount. I mean... its your very own daughter. You only have 2 children, my parents had 4 and you don't see them shortchanging us. There are alot of ways to save money, stealing money from your very own daughter however, is really something else.

Highly inflammatory? Definitely. So damn irritated right now about this whole matter. Its not even my damn fault. All these problems that make her so frustrated... and there's nothing i can do about it except aggravate the situation. Sigh... forget it. Today will be another day i won't be able to talk with her much. I think i'll wait a little longer before calling her. She sounds really into it with her textbook writing stuff (Yet another brilliant idea)

Stay well~

So Tired...

2004-09-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, its been a really long time since i had the chance to write here. I know Ariel is kinda pissed about it. I'm just thankful that she's patient enough to understand i'm truly having a busy time of my life so i don't have much time to write in. m(__)m

Well... The Medical Orderly Course came in today, all 57 of them in strength. I tell you, they're a proverbial legion. It takes forever to get anything done. Not really their fault of course, but with sucha large size, there's bound to be some serious lag in anything. On the brighter note though... most of the trainees seem enthusiastic though of course, first impressions can and often are deceiving. What can i say? Only time will tell whether they're good or not. One thing's for sure though, the NCOs won't be letting up on discipline. Its doing an excellent job in making things run that much smoother.

Everything seems to run that much smoother when you're enthusiastic about it. I guess the secret is to make oneself enthusiastic, then even the most mundane of tasks seems to have meaning. Gonna try and sleep early tonight, totally wasted today. Hopefully i'll have enough energy in the morning to study my econs notes. Need to catch up on my other responsibilites as well... Endure and Excel eh? >.<

Stay well~!

Damn busy

2004-09-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

Notice i only update once every 2 days? Like i said damn busy, let me tell you why

First of all, i'm kinda stuck playing ffxi. not that i don't enjoy it just that... well, its taking alot of my time. Time that sometimes i feel can be put to better use. Let me explain: sky runs are conducted every monday, tuesday, friday and saturday. I only attend the monday and tuesday ones and am satisfied with that. BUT, something has come up. 2 pieces of damascene cloth are in the treasury apparently and i want that vermillion cloak badly and i mean badly. The thing is, due to my 50 percent attendance rating one can't really expect my Points to be very high right? Also, Freewill, a close friend in the LS also wants it. This conflict is really driving me nuts. Not to mention that fact i have no idea how many Points i have as the homepage got revamped and the point chart is behind password. I'll try to ask Shinobu-san tomorrow.

See? so 4 of my evenings are absorbed to playing ffxi whether i want to or not. Add that to the fact that i have Dynamis runs every wednesday and sunday and BAM! I only have thursdays left to do nothing. If that isn't hardcore i don't know what is. I'm thinking of only going for the gods on fridays and saturdays are go only if i have nothing on. As for dynamis... its by registration so i can choose whether or not i want to go.

Life of gaming right? What's the problem then? You see... i've recently begun teaching Ariel's sister, Anlin economics again. Tuition sessions are done TWICE every week. First, i can't find days to slot these lessons and even more so i got to study before i can teach right? I'm not sure if she realises this, but for that 2 hour session that she gets, there's at least 4 hours of prepping that she can't see. If you ladies and gentlemen haven't realised already, i'm a busy NSF at work, its hard as it is to find time at work to relax much less study, my MOC comes in next week man, where on earth am i going to find the time?

And another thing, anyone tell you that studying econs like that in such a rushed manner is damn stressful? The moment i finished labour with her the next day i was cramming for NIA... That's hardcore man. You think that's bad already? I got my bro to tutor as well. He really needs the extra tutoring, i mean, he really doesn't have the drive to work anymore and that's a total waste imo, but the fact of the matter is, i got to cram into his mind schoolwork that he doesn't have the self-motivation to capture himself. $#% me

What suffers as a result? Well... i get alot less sleep... I average 5 a day; catching up on weekends. Wait, let me rephrase that, "catching up on weekend" the other days i have to wake up early for sunday duty medic but this coming week's different: i have some red cross First Aid competition i have to attend instead O.o

I want to work out damn it! Trying to do it while we're camping the NMs to fight the gods in Tu'lia. What i really need is a honest to goodness 30 mins of weights to make my conscience feel better. That and a good night's rest on a weekday. Well... thanks for reading this rant. In a damn big rush right now.. Rush to sleep that is...

Stay well~

The bliss of solitude

2004-09-05T21:13:00.000+08:00

I'm totally alone in my home right now. My parents ans sibs went over to my aunt's place for a swim. Its been a long time since they've done that. I used to enjoy this solitude once a week. Sunday nights all alone in this quiet abode. It might sound strange but i really enjoy the occasional solitude. There's a certain quality to silence that is peaceful to me. It's a time to where its so quiet you can hear yourself think, it might seem easy but really now, how often is it anyone nowadays can break away and have a moment to themselves? If you think about it, we manage to fill each and every second of our waking hours doing... something. So, i really enjoy this solitude, though how long it'll last, is anyone's guess.

Well.... i went out with Ariel to Singapore Expo today to exchange that JP language CD we bought. What a scam, buy a twenty dollar CD so we can download a codec that costs 15 USD. Gotta tell you, when my dear is angry, she really gets angry. No one will want to cross her, me included. Today her wrath was extended to both the saleperson at the fair as well as me. Needless to say, she won on both accounts. Ah well... that's life for you. Anlin came along as well... I can't help feel that she was totally left out of most of the conversation. I know i'd hate for the same thing to happen to me but... i was with Ariel and my devotion is of course, her ^^

Back to work tomorrow... its gonna be one easy week followed by my Medical Course, gonna be really tough on em. It'll be the last course before i ORD so gonna make this one count.

Thanks for reading all this stuff, stay well~

Sigh

2004-09-04T01:10:00.000+08:00

Well, made Ariel angry again. I deleted her initial message to me as i thought it was very sweet and mushy. So much so that i was supposed to delete it so others wouldn't see it. What i didn't realise was that she meant that "Test 12345" text was ok to delete. So i made a mistake again. Sigh... she's so angry now. First, her sister used her phone after she took her bath and her air-con doesn't seem to be working too. Guess that makes her very hot, both in temper and temperature. I've since replaced the message she wrote as the first post though i know in her mind, the fact i deleted it shows a lack of appreciation at her efforts in creating this blog for me.

I swear, its not that i don't appreciate it. I do! It took her an awfully long time to create this blog and i know she spent more effort on it then her own so my actions must've really made her feel unappreciated. Well, i really didn't mean to do that. I did keep a copy of what she said. Was gonna keep it in my private files away from prying eyes. I guess... I guess that's what blogs are for right? To say what you want and how you feel. I should just type what i feel and not worry so much that others will read sensitive stuff... This is afterall, meant to be a diary of sorts.

Well... 2 posts in a single day, how about that? Sigh... hope she cools down. i'm already one down at odds with the temperature >.<

Stay well~

First Post

2004-09-04T01:03:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, this is my first time using a blog so please be gentle with me~ Anyways, let me introduce myself, my name is Andy and i'm twenty this year. I'm currently serving my National Service with the Singapore Civil Defence Force as a medic instructor. My girlfriend Ariel created this blog for me so we can share our thoughts with each other (and a rest of the world that owns an internet connection :p)

About my day today right? Right, let's see.... It's been a good day, the government has since implemented a 5-day week system to all civil service institutions and necesarily so, SCDF. I'm a Seventh Day Adventist and a privilege is granted to me that i don't have to work on saturdays, rather, i work on sundays covering IPPT for reservists. With this new system, i don't have to cover this stuff any longer and all in all... more social life for me, heh

Another point of note is that ariel and my family played a round of Talisman today. Talisman, for the uninitiated, is an ancient boardgame created by Games Workshop. Its a simplistic boardgame, but totally unconventional as compared to games like Monopoly or Hotel. In this game, the objective is to capture the crown of power guarded by a dragon. You play one of myriad characters ( and each character has different game affecting abilities) in this goal. You can gain experience and improve your skills, all the better to defeat that dragon and claim that crown. Its an *ancient* game like i've said but its a good one. If you can get your hands on one, i'd highly recommend it; puts games like Monopoly to shame i tell you.

Anyways, that's all for now... gonna say hi to the guys in Odin.

Stay well~

Hi Dearie~!

2004-09-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

Dearie~! Made this blog for ya... hope you like it and its to your taste... You know what? I think this looks tons better than mine.. haha.. Anyway... hope you know how to use this... post often! so i can read whats up in your mind that I cant see on your face or hear through the phone... Love ya dearie... Forever yours, Ariel